In this blog, I am tackling some basic dating questions.
WHY SHOULD I DATE?
Okay, so most people do not ask why should I date. The question is probably, why shouldn’t I date! But seriously, it is important to start by establishing the purpose for dating. The purpose of two people dating is to get to know each other with the aim of determining if they are a match. Before anyone can get married they have to go through the process of getting to know a person. Dating should only be done to see if this person is the right person to spend the rest of your life with.
I have never liked the idea of what I call “trial-and-error relationships.” You are a spirit being and God talks to you. He will tell you, if you are listening, who your spouse is and therefore, dating will be a time of confirmation of God’s leading as well as a time of preparation for a life together.
“Because it feels good” is an absolutely wrong reason to date, as is “because he/she is beautiful / handsome / good-looking / hot / sexy.” If these are your reasons for dating, you are putting each other in a high risk situation where you will not be able to treat each other with purity. The truth is, Christians are humans and humans have sex drives. It does not matter whether you are a virgin or possess a sexual history, you have a sex drive. The last thing you need is to enter into a relationship just because of that sex drive. Do not date because you are seeking marriage as your only possibility for “legal sex.” Do not date so you can jump into marriage in a hurry just to satisfy your sex drive. Instead, date in an attempt to be sure that the other person is the companion with whom you can achieve your God-given purpose.
Another completely wrong reason to date is “Because I feel lonely.” News flash: only one person can fill the void in your life, and that is J.E.S.U.S. If you do not have Him yet, please get Him. And if you have Him already, be sure that you have given Him access to all of you, and not just bits and pieces. Dating, and subsequently marriage might ensure that you are not “alone” but it does not mean you will not be “lonely”. Some married people are incredibly lonely, trapped in awful marriages. Please do not end up like them.
“Because everyone else is in a relationship and I don’t want to feel left out” is another wrong reason to date. Please run your own race. One of my favorite sayings is “differences are not deficiencies” Your name is different, your DNA is distinct, so what makes you think you have to be the same as everyone else? If everyone was running and jumping off a cliff to sure death below, would you voluntarily do likewise? Don’t do it just because everyone else is doing it. What until it’s your time?
WHEN SHOULD I DATE?
The “when” is closely related to the “why?” Christians should only date if they can see themselves getting married in the near future.
The “when” will therefore be different from person to person? I chose not to date until I finished university because it was at that point I felt I was ready to get married. But I cannot tell you your “when.” Only the Holy Spirit can.
WHO SHOULD I DATE?
The Bible sets a few rules for who Christians can marry, and therefore who Christians should date. Christians are to only date other Christians. Prospective partners should not be married already, and should be of the opposite sex.
HOW LONG SHOULD I DATE?
For as long as it takes to prayerfully determine the other person’s character and extent of relationship with God. I have seen too many cases of people getting married, only to find out that they never really knew that other person. I also know a 15-year marriage where a proposal was made and accepted after the couple had known each other barely a month.
2 Corinthians 11:14 tells us that Satan disguises himself as an angel of light to deceive. Only the light of the Word can expose the devil’s deception. Dating should be a time of deep prayer and study of the Word. It is not a time to be distracted by physical attraction, a fear of loneliness, or desperation.
WHAT DO I DO DURING DATING?
Talk. About the type of lifestyle you want to live, how many children you would like to have? Interact. Pray. Study the Word. Understand each other and be sure you can live with each other’s “bad” behaviors. Ask yourselves hard questions, for example, this aspect of his/her character that I do not like but am willing to overlook now, will I still be willing to overlook it if it becomes magnified after we get married? This does not mean that there will not be differences. Remember, differences are not deficiencies so they do not have to break the relationship. Some differences are complementary and make for a more interesting world – enjoy them; laugh at them; be okay with them.
HOW FAR CAN I GO WHILE DATING?
Definitely not have sex! 1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to flee from sexual immorality. Asking how far you can go while dating is exactly the wrong question to be asking. It’s like playing a game of football and trying to see how close to your own goal you can get the ball. It is just not what you’re supposed to do – you should try to keep the ball as far away as possible. In the same way, you should try to stay as far away from doing something wrong sexually when you are dating.
Set up boundaries to make sure you don’t fall into sexual impurity, even accidentally. You see, God wired the human body to respond a certain way to certain stimuli. Kissing and petting are acknowledged as foreplay, their purpose is to get you in the mood. You cannot realistically expect to start off a chain reaction and then be able to stop it midway…
As much as possible, do not be alone together – have your discussions, prayers, interactions, in public and spend time together as part of a larger group. Ask another mature Christian friend (of the same sex) to keep you accountable. Always keep your eyes on the end. You are more likely to finish strong if you plan to finish strong.
WHEN SHOULD I BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP?
When he/she pushes you away from Christ rather than towards Him, if he/she is not a follower of Christ, if you are not moving towards marriage and when you are not on the same page about sexual purity. In addition, if you are not growing in affection towards each other, do not enjoy being with each other and do not look forward to being with each other, it may be time to consider moving on.
Husbands and wives are called to love and respect each other (Ephesians 5:28-33), and to enjoy life with the spouse God has given us (Ecclesiastes 9:9). This may be difficult to do in marriage if you are not enjoying being with them when dating. It is also advisable to end a relationship where he/she is abusive or does not act respectfully towards you.
You might consider breaking off a relationship when believers in your life are raising concerns about the relationship. God speaks through His Word, His Spirit, and His people. Other people can help you see things that you miss when you are blinded by emotions.
You might also have to break off when one or both of you need time to heal from life issues, childhood trauma or past relationships. Temporarily pausing the relationship is another option to allow healing and allow fulfillment of God’s timing.
As painful as it might be to end a relationship you have invested into, it is better to have a broken relationship than a broken marriage.
HOW DO I BREAK OF A RELATIONSHIP?
Lovingly. Respectfully. In person, not over the phone, by text message, e-mail, or on social media! Break off immediately you know it is not working.
If you are the one at the receiving end of a break up request, please respect the other person’s decision. Note that neither party is doing the other a favor by being in a relationship that is not going anywhere. You cannot force or blackmail a person to be in a relationship with you. If he is not convinced, let him/her go. You don’t want to spend your whole life trying to convince someone to be with you. If however, you are convinced the relationship is of God, let go and let God – He is not an author of confusion.
Email me at Onyinye.cn@kda.org.ng