When you begin to prefer someone else…
“X is such a nice guy! He knows exactly what to say and when to say it – whenever I am down or under pressure, he has the right pick- me-up, just the words I need to snap out of it. He is so easy to talk to, so supportive, so sensitive, so caring! He compliments me, holds the door open for me and always asks my opinion! He pays so much attention to detail that he not only knows when I get a new hairstyle, he knows when I wear a new pair of shoes, new clothes or even get a new handbag. The other day, he complimented my new wrist watch! It does not get better than that!”
[Sigh]
“Meanwhile A never even notices when I get my hair done. I feel so unappreciated!”
If you can insert your husband’s name for A, and someone else’s name for X, then we have a problem because you are having an emotional affair.
I can guess how it happened. You longed to feel beautiful, especially after a few years of being wife and mother. You felt like you were taking on the world and yet were largely unappreciated. Perhaps your husband is gone most of the day trying to make a living, or perhaps the proliferation of electronic devices and social media have made emotionally connecting with him somewhat more challenging. Then along came this man who showered you with compliments and made you feel appealing, loved and appreciated all over again. It was a great feeling, an emotional high, and like every addict, you found yourself always going back for more. Before long, you crossed the line. You started out as friends, talking about work, the events of the day, mutual interests, funny stories; but then you began to discuss more intimate matters, even the problems in your marriage!
Allow me to ask you some questions.
Do you dress up for him? When you pick out your clothes, are you wondering what he’ll think, if he’ll like them? Do you exchange “just because” gifts? Little things, maybe expensive, maybe not, usually not for any particular occasion. Do you spend alot of time with him? Already more than you spend with your husband and yet you are still looking for more opportunities to be with him. Do you “talk” a lot? IMs, BBMs, Whatsapp and text messages in addition to old fashion phone calls and face-to-face conversations? Perhaps he is even more aware of what is going on in your life than your husband. Does he “get” you? He understands you, the way you think, what you want, how you feel about things and why. Do you think about him all the time? You wonder what he is doing when you are not together, you daydream about him and wonder what it would be like to be with him all the time. Do you compare your husband to him? If only your husband was more like him! Would your discussions be different if your husband were present? Would you be embarrassed for your husband to witness your interactions or to know what you are thinking about when you’re with him? Have you ever lied about the relationship? To your husband or to anyone else, or perhaps “omitted” to disclose certain aspects of the relationship?
A “yes” to most or all of these questions is a red flag because emotional affairs are not acceptable in God’s eyes. Jesus recognized emotional affairs or affairs in the heart in Matthew 5:27-28 when he said: “You have heard it said, Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (emphasis added).
Getting your emotional needs met outside of your marriage is wrong. So please confront the threat. Step away from the relationship. Identify all the lengths you have gone to feed it and cut off all supply routes. Set up boundaries. Replace thoughts of him with those of your husband. Do not go out of your way to see or meet him. If you cannot avoid seeing him, manage exposure at the barest minimum. Avoid unnecessary conversation. Discourage physical touch and prolonged eye contact. Return all gifts and if they cannot be returned, give them away. You might need to tell him that the relationship has been inappropriate and that you need space. If he is really the gentleman you thought he was, he will respect you and step back. If he does not, do like Joseph: drop everything and run.
Once you confront the threat, you need to guard your heart.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life,” (Proverbs 4:23).
Every sin begins with a thought and every battle is first won or lost in the mind. You will be continuously bombarded by temptation but you have to decide that you are bigger than it.
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
You alone can tell, based on your particular marriage situation, if you can follow through on this next recommendation. I am an advocate of being “naked and unashamed” with your husband, so I think you should consider going to him to confess. You could ask someone to go with you, but bear in mind that he or she will leave at some point and you will have to face your husband alone. It will be difficult and very awkward and I cannot begin to imagine how he will react.
You will also need someone to hold you accountable. A Christian girlfriend you can confide in who will check up on you, hold your hand and pray you through the withdrawal symptoms. Someone who will show you tough love you and prevent you from going back.
In an emotional affair, you are toying with temptation and are headed toward a full-blown physical affair. You might argue that you would never cheat on your husband but know that one thing tends to lead to another. Say no to this threat and stand strong for a godly marriage.
The Lord is your strength!
onyinye.cn@kda.org.ng