When you are about to walk away…
Recently my husband and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. It seems just like yesterday that we tied the proverbial knot, and now it has been a 17-year long story. But for the 16,14,11 and 4-year old faces that smile at me from the picture above my computer monitor, I might have said time is playing tricks on me, there is no way it could have been that long! But alas, the evidence speaks – we have been together a long time.
There are many people who have been married longer, but there are also many people whose marriages fell apart mere months after vows were exchanged. Offering Godly counsel on marital issues is very challenging because there are as many scenarios as there are couples, and we are too often more interested in what makes us happy than on the principles God has laid down in His Word.
That said, this article does not pretend to address all issues causing a wife to wish to leave her husband. It is targeted at sisters who are desperate to get away from their husbands because…IT’S JUST NOT WORKING! IT’S JUST NOT WORTH IT! THERE HAS GOT TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS! This is for you if you feel your marriage is just not meeting your emotional needs.
My sister, I get it, you have been hurt over and over, and finally you have decided you will tolerate no more emotional pain. He romanced you, wined and dined you and made you feel like the only woman in the world. So you married him because you wanted to feel that way for the rest of your life. However, not long after the wedding, you concluded that you were wrong about him. You feel defrauded because he no longer makes you feel special. He is obsessed with work and other “manly” pursuits. The only time he acts romantic is when he wants you in bed. You married him for companionship, but he really just wants someone to cook, clean take care of him and bear him children. You have begun to feel rejected because he does not value you, does not defend you, never defers to you, never seeks your opinion. He takes all the decisions by himself and expects you to toe the line. He does not accommodate you, will never back down for you, and treats you like a second class citizen. He does not help with the children, will never lift a finger to support with the housework and will rather go hungry than fix himself a simple meal when you are running late. He never listens to you, is inconsiderate, self-centered and demanding. You have tried repeatedly to communicate your dissatisfaction to him without success. So you have decided to leave, either in an attempt to coerce him to change, or in a desperate effort to survive – it is better to be lonely and alone than to be lonely in your marriage.
Can I share something about men with you? Would you believe that your husband does not have any memories of “hurting” you? You might believe that you have communicated your hurt to him, but if you were to ask him, he probably only has memories of your bad attitudes. All those times you thought you were expressing the cry of an injured heart, your husband only perceived hostility, coldness, or worse still, hatred. When you felt like you were begging for tenderness and sensitivity, he backed away because he thought he was being attacked. On those occasions when you needed understanding and support, he saw you as an opponent to be corrected, avoided, or defeated. Your husband may not be aware that simply by the way he listens to you, the way he looks at you, or the tone in which he speaks to you, he can make you feel either treasured or totally worthless. So, unfortunately, he may not even be aware that he has been sending you a message that you have interpreted as your lack of significance to him.
When the Bible says that a wife is the weaker vessel (1 Pet 3:7), it is not just talking about physical strength or stamina, but also the fact that you have a more emotional nature. Because of this, and because women have a greater natural need for their husbands (Gen 3:16), women are more likely to look to the marriage relationship for value and significance. When men marry, most are clueless to these differences and consequently, to the power they have to inflict emotional pain on their wives. Simply stated, it is this basic difference between men and woman that causes the misunderstandings at the root of so much marital stress.
So, what is the remedy?
Ruth Graham, Billy Graham’s wife, is attributed with this quote: “It was my job to love Billy, and God’s job to change him.”
Stop wondering why your prayers for change in your husband have not been answered. God wants you to change you first, so worry about changing all that is “wrong” with you and He will worry about the rest.
Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
The truth is that you have hardened your heart towards the man to whom you once entrusted it, and very possibly, you have hardened your heart against God as well. Pray to God to soften your heart.
Acts 28:27 For the heart of this people is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes have they closed; lest they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.
Pray that God will reveal to your husband those things he does which send the message that you mean little to him.
Forgive your husband and trust that God will do a work in him.
Then “return” to him. You might argue that you have not left yet, but, truth be told, your attention is already focused outside of your marriage. You cannot expect your marriage to flourish when your thoughts and efforts are elsewhere. Your intentions drive your attentions. If you’re committed to leaving, your focus will be on your exit. So, make staying your intention. You cannot build intimacy or restore the connection you once had if you are not “present” in your marriage. Give your marriage more attention than your escape plans. Stop fantasizing about what it would be like to leave your husband and find someone who could truly love and appreciate you. Stop spending time dwelling on all his bad habits. Delete your spreadsheets – you know, those permutations and combinations you worked out in that excel file on your laptop that shows that you can make your life work without his contribution to your finances.
Adjust your expectations. So what if Nene’s husband changes the baby’s diaper and yours never will. It is not the end of the world. Mr Nene might seem like all yours is not, but if you were to see all he is, you might marry your husband a second time and pay the bride price yourself! But seriously, you’ve heard the saying the grass is not always greener on the other side, believe it. The grass is greener where you water it.
Initiate the kinds of activities you want to do together. Be prepared to initiate praying together, taking walks together, getting away from the children to be together. These activities might never occur to him, so be the champion, don’t just sit and sulk because he doesn’t do them.
Be careful who you go to for advice. Counsel you receive can make or break you. If you run to someone who has left her husband and list for her all your woes, she is more likely to tell you to cut and run. If you go to someone who is still with her husband, she is more likely to tell you to stay.
And finally, remember that a good marriage is a natural result of walking closely with the Lord – the Lord alone, is your strength.
onyinye.cn@kda.org.ng